Loneliness in Motherhood is Real, Mama.
You aren’t alone (although you might feel that way, ironically).
I don’t know about you, but when I became a Mama, although I was always with my newborn, I had never felt lonelier. It’s true. You can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. Because what I was actually missing was connection that fed my soul and filled me up in ways I had previously known. And with my newborn, while I was filled in so many other amazing ways like with baby cuddles and snuggles, I was also left with a void.
A void I wasn’t anticipating when I became a Mama.
There’s a loneliness that comes in becoming a Mama; I’m not only speaking about the connection we miss with our friendship circles, but also the connectedness we miss with our old selves (you know, the one that existed pre-motherhood). It’s a double whammy, so to speak.
Loneliness in Early Motherhood
No one understands what I am going through…
In your transition to mother, it means you are now navigating a whole new world; one in which everything has changed for you. The way you relate to the world, your partner and your friends is different than ever before and that can feel so hard to understand at times. Your values have changed, your emotions are rampant and you're exhausted. You are experiencing matrescence (that’s a different blog all together!) and that is such a solo-intimate journey. Bringing people in to your experience can feel intimidating as it’s almost impossible to explain what you are going through in your transition from woman to Mama. You need other women that are pregnant and delivering around the same time as you, to share in their experiences, just like you need other mamas that have “been there, done that” that can help show you the way (one way, of many!).
Me-time in motherhood is necessary to connect with yourself.
You need moments by yourself (ironic, I know) to reconnect with yourself again too.
Goodness, combating the early matrescence loneliness is a lot of work!
Joining a group, whether a processing clinical group or a mama circle or a support group, can be very beneficial in correcting loneliness in motherhood.
Switching gears now to the overall loneliness felt in motherhood…
Zooming out, more broadly speaking, loneliness exists all throughout motherhood, regardless of what season you are in.
No doubt these past couple years have wreaked havoc on all of our social connections. Social distancing, isolation, lack of child-care, limited play-dates, pure exhaustion…it’s nothing short of amazing how we all have kept going. But just because loneliness is felt by all of us, doesn’t make it okay, healthy or sustainable.
Loneliness is a public health crisis.
In fact, loneliness in America is another health crisis; one that existed long before COVID. Research suggests that experiencing long bouts of loneliness can increase our chances for developing mental health issues (ie. depression, anxiety etc.) and physical health issues too. And it isn’t just in motherhood; it impacts ALL humans. We’ve lost our way of connecting with one another over the years and our overall well-being is suffering. From moving away from our families and childhood friends, to social media replacing more intimate bonds, we’ve found ourselves living more hyper-independent lives, relying less on our neighbors and depending more on ourselves. Loneliness is everywhere.
And sadly, we’ve kind of become comfortable with it to a degree. The less we socialize in real-time, the more agreeable we are with just staying home. It’s a cycle.
Yet, especially in motherhood.
To the mama with a toddler…
To the mama with school-aged kids…
To the mama with tweens and teens…
To the mama who just sent her child off to college…
Motherhood has moments of loneliness for all of us. However, no matter how comfortable we are with this way of living, we also feel that deep in our bones something is missing; we can feel it. Humans are hard-wired for connection.
Connection comes through vulnerability. And being vulnerable in motherhood is scary, no doubt. There is so much mom-shaming and everyone has an opinion about everything. It’s intimidating to share with one another. But that’s where the real bonding comes in, Mama. That’s where the “I’m not alone” thoughts begin to replace the “I’m alone” ones. That’s when we finally feel seen and not so alone.
That’s what we really need to combat this whole loneliness thing. If we aren’t physically together, then we can at least begin by sharing more openly and vulnerably with one another, all along our motherhood journey.
The words “me too” will suddenly become your favorite to hear and to speak to another Mama.
Want some tips on how to build your modern day village, Mama? Check out this blog post.
And ultimately remember…YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.
