Who is that in the mirror? It isn’t me.
Learning to love our postpartum bodies is a whole thing…because of what it represents.
What do puberty and the postpartum period have in common?
So much. Our faces break out with bursts of acne. We are super moody. We cry over nothing. Our body is changing on us and we can't understand it. We're hungry and tired. Basically, we're uncomfortable in our new skin...and mind.
Women grow up hearing messages impacting their worth as it relates to their physical beauty and body. Small + thin is best and if not, then curvy with big (perky!) boobs, please. Your hair should look like this, your eyebrows like that. You should always say "yes" and "sorry" and make everyone happy before yourself---cue a woman's struggle for self love and self care.
Women then spend their entire lives learning to love their body for what it is, while at the same time, trying to change it to fit into society's definition of perfect.
They can't win this battle; it is an endless feat.
And then...they get pregnant.
And their body begins to change on them in unexpected ways. They gain weight in areas they've potentially struggled to "control" for years. At least during pregnancy, it feels ok because it's obvious it is worth it. I mean, a baby is clearly growing inside them. That, alone, can help a woman have a little more compassion on her body as it's growing.
But after birth...? Different story with different expectations of herself and an unrealistic timeline. The baby weight doesn't just go away and for some, no matter how hard they work on it, it sticks around. She loses her hair and she has stretch marks from where her body expanded to fit another human being inside of itself (like...whoa). Her face shows her extreme exhaustion and sleepless nights and her shoulders hunch over as she figuratively carries the weight of her world all over again.
And when she catches herself in the mirror, she wonders..."Who is that? It can't be me. Where did I go? This isn't my body. I want to get it back to what I used to be."
It’s bounce back culture at it’s worst for any new mother.
Somehow she galmourizes her pre-motherhood body, forgetting the the struggle she faced for so much of her life.
It's more than her desire to fit in to those skinny jeans + the stretch marks on her belly that feel foreign to her. It's literally who she sees. She no longer is "herself". Who she sees in the mirror might feel like a stranger to her; she truly might not recognize herself physically, but in all other dimensions of herself too. The mirror's reflection symbolizes the woman's transition to mother, her matrescence, in real time. It is a tangible reminder that indeed she is no longer "herself" and is indeed...different + changing. And this can be startling, uncomfortable and so frustrating for a new Mama.
How to relate to your postpartum body.
Some helpful tips to keep in mind if the woman staring back at you in the mirror feels like a stranger to you...
Change your goal. Change your mindset. The goal is to be healthy. Not to lose the baby weight right away and drop back into your old jeans. It is to be healthy. And as long as you're making decisions in support of this new goal and your behaviors reflect your desire to be a healthy woman + mom, then you are on the right track. (Healthy being mind, body and soul...not just body.)
Ambivalence is normal. It's okay to fluctuate between "My body is simply incredible. It carried my baby; like literally I grew a human" to "Ugh. Why can't I just be myself again? Gosh, I miss {insert pretty much anything pre-motherhood here}". Motherhood is a constant push-pull. Emotions tend to directly conflict with one another frequently. As best you can...think healthy above ALL else. Let your health drive your behaviors.
Practice self-acceptance. This is more of a life-long journey, yet is deserving of some serious reinforcement in your transition to mother. (*Sidebar: Everyone will have an opinion on how you should raise your baby...while they mean well, it can easily sway a new mama into re-thinking her original decisions and then doubting her own intuition. So as much as you can...practice loving yourself despite what others think, say and do when it comes to your journey as mama.)
Hard truth: You will never be your old, pre-motherhood self again (this is harsh, painful and beautiful). You might never fit into those jeans again or be able to "drop it like its hot" until 3am. So instead, can you change your style? What else might make you feel sexy or comfortable in your new, changing body?
While losing the baby weight might make you feel like you are back to your "old self" again...maybe finding ways of re-connecting with your pre-motherhood self in other areas (mind + soul) could do the trick temporarily.
What aspects of your pre-motherhood routine do you miss? Friends, hiking, nightly baths etc.? Can you slowly reintroduce them back in to your new life? Can you work towards merging your two selves with intention so that both the woman in you and yourself as a Mama get the attention they deserve independent of one another?
Remember, that weight is just a number. And we often remember our "old selves", particularly our bodies, in fantasy. Aim for "healthy" and "feeling good", not your weight (unless there is a medical reason to do so, in which consult your physician as this is not intended to be medical advice). Maybe stay away from the scale and limit your interactions with media that reinforces the need to be physically perfect, esp. as a mama.
When you care for yourself, you are caring for your baby, Mama.
And in a society that fosters and values a culture of perfectionism, self-sacrifice and (honestly) neglect in motherhood...when you can practice self-acceptance of all that you are and all that you are becoming, Mama...you are part of the change that our world needs, esp. for little girls growing up in it. Your children will follow your lead; show them the way and start with yourself.
