It's okay if you aren't ready yet, Mama.
It’s okay to say “no”, “not right now” and full-on change your mind.
I see you, Mama, and I feel you.
Motherhood is filled with pressure.
Pressure to look right, parent correctly, discipline effectively, drop the baby weight, sleep train (or not etc)...the list goes on. It's pressure from the outside and then...sometimes, worse...pressure from ourselves.
In your journey of "becoming mama", you most likely have encountered this "push-pull" phenomenon, or an internal tug-of-war, begging of you to reconnect with the "old" aspects of yourself while still being present to who you are becoming. You know the one...where you can't wait to have some time to yourself again yet at the same time browse through pictures on your phone of the day, simply because you miss them so much, while they sleep? Yes, that's the motherhood push-pull I'm referencing.
And it can be exhausting and overwhelming as you listen to yourself internally trying to defend which part of you is currently the most deprived or begging to be seen. How do you know which part of yourself to give attention to...Mama or your pre-motherhood self?
This inner turmoil is typically extreme in the first months postpartum (yet can be felt throughout your entire motherhood journey as well). However, when you are so new to your role as a mother, still knee deep in the transitional period of becoming a "mama" yourself, the pressure to "have it all figured out" and "know what to do" is intense.
For many reasons...
We don't want to appear as failures right off the bat. (Because...)
We never EVER imagined it would be this hard. (Which leads me to...)
No one said or ever told me, nor did I read about it anywhere, that it would be this hard, so...back to #1.
And other mothers make it look so easy…
So it must be "just me". (Back to #1)
This is the perfect mother myth. This is the culture you are mothering in.
Since so much of the motherhood collective and current motherhood culture perpetuates this false narrative of "perfection" and "ease", it makes sense why so many new mothers fall for it, believe it to be true and realistic and then...incorporate it as their truth along their own journey.
However, it isn't realistic and holding on to it is hurting you, Mama. And you 100% don't have to have it all figured out...nor SHOULD you. It isn't about "knowing what to do" all the time, or feeling confident in your decisions all the time. Motherhood is about the unknown, the in between, the mixed up feelings and thoughts. It's about the push-pull.
I want you to know that you can...
Change your mind. If you say you are going to do something and you end up not wanting to do it...that is 100% okay. (And those in your life ideally understand that, have compassion and go with the flow without judgement.)
You might not be ready. Simply that. What might have seemed so easy before becoming a mother, now feels so daunting and paralyzing. And what seems like such a simple decision, can leave you feeling so stuck and confused...because there are no "simple" decisions in motherhood, really, Mama. Maybe it's weaning, maybe it's bedsharing, maybe it's leaving your baby for the first time or introducing the bottle. Whatever it is...take your time. Allow yourself the space to feel all the emotions. Play out different scenarios and find a happy middle ground. And...if there isn't a happy middle ground for you...then, remember...you might not be ready, and that is 100% okay. (PS...just b/c you aren't ready now, doesn't mean you will stay breastfeeding until your child turns 6yo or never, ever leave your child with a babysitter. It simply means...in this moment, right now, at this time...you are not ready. It means nothing more than that, mama.)
So as the pressures of the holidays surmount...just remember you are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You aren't failing. You don't have to have it all figured out.
You are learning to do what is best for you and your baby (maybe for the first time in your life, you are putting yourself first!)...and that is something to be celebrated.
