Where’s My Village At?
They said they’d be here…
You were promised a Village.
Where are they?
Ugh. It's so true. (Not to mention, Covid has made it that much more isolating, but the lack of a village was a problem long before the pandemic.)
So many of us live miles and miles away from our families (or come from families in which we chose to distance ourselves from for multiple reasons). We work around the clock, juggling career and family life. The friends we do have...well, they quickly drop down on the list of priorities. We find connection briefly through mid-day texts, around the board room or in random FB mom groups. (Hey, we'll take whatever we can get.)
And with modern motherhood the way it is...busy, hurried, filled with intense amounts of pressure, stressful etc., it makes the thought of adding to the "to-do" list challenging. Friends? Who has time? And making new friends? Right....please!?
We're exhausted and running around crazy style..."building a village" seems well, exhausting.
Not to mention, we all know what it feels like to try and "break in" to a friendship circle that already exists. And by the looks of mamas on social media and the playground, everyone already has "their" circle.
Yet, Mama, having your village is essential b/c you need friends. A break. A person to call when you are ______ {fill in the blank...literally for ANYTHING}. You need other mamas to see you in your motherhood journey (AKA matrescence); it's actually essential in your mothering. Through them, you'll gain confidence, feel secure and understand you are soooo not alone.
So...now that you know you need your village...what do you do about it?
How to build your modern day village.
Here's a list of things to try to build your own modern day village, Mama.
1. Ya gotta lead with vulnerability yourself. Yep, I said it. You gotta be the change you want to see in the motherhood world. Putting yourself out there is key in making + strengthening friendships. The more you can show up for yourself, as yourself, the easier it gets. And oftentimes, it opens the door for others to do the same. Sometimes, you have to risk a little to gain a lot. You can start small and simple with something like...
"Ugh! How do you do it all?"
"I haven't slept in years. When was the last time you actually felt rested?"
"Having one is hard! How do you do it with two?"
Also, try not to pass up a moment to tell a mama, "Me too!" when she shares something you can relate with. A simple two-word sentence can be all it takes to spark a deeper connection in the budding friendship.
2. Make the immense virtual world more intimate. Those Mama FB groups can fill the void in a pinch, but often require a level of "masked" vulnerability from you too. You can hide behind your profile and the numbers of group members. It can feel safe that way. But when you're ready to bring it to life, smaller is better, intimacy creates opportunity for connection. So throw a post in a group about a meet-up you'll organize, admit you are looking for new mama friends, or attend one of their local outings etc. Find your mamas in the virtual space and bring them to "real life".
3. Think local AND long distance. Mama, those who are hundreds of miles away can still be in your village. Depending on where you are on your motherhood journey, long distance friends + family can order food + groceries for delivery, schedule a zoom with your child/ren while you cook etc. Those far away can surprise you in how they can show up for you. And who doesn't want dinner delivered randomly by someone who loves you?!
4. Ask for help AND take it when it is offered. This is a HUGE one. And I have my own thoughts around this (see this), but for this purpose...it is necessary. ALL the mamas know the struggle of motherhood; while it feels unique to you...the challenges are universal to a degree. Ask, Mama. Say what you need. People love to help (especially mamas); it fills their cup. And if they can't do it, (here's hoping) they'll say so. Ask anyway. And when another Mama offers you some time to care for yourself, bring you a meal, clean your house...take her up on it. You can always return the favor when things look different for you (next week or in a couple years). And HEAR THIS...asking for help or accepting help DOES NOT make you a failure or inadequate. It means you're a beast of a woman/mama who knows herself well enough to know her own limits. It's a d*mn strength.
5. Think diversity in your village. Calling all the mamas...Mama, you need a variety of other women + mamas in your circle. You need the elders; the mamas with children much older than yours. You can learn a lot from them. You need the mamas who mother differently than you; spice it up and who knows what you'll learn from one another. You need the mamas who you soul-vibe with...share common values, mothering style etc. And you need your non-mom friends too. While it is harder to relate to them initially...they might be what it takes to help you remember that pre-motherhood self whenever you're ready to wake her up again. Variety is the spice of life, Mama. Motherhood is no different.
Mama, it takes a village to raise a child AND it takes a village to raise you. Raise you in your becoming Mama; bear witness to your journey and encourage you along the way.
While you've been promised a "village" + they haven't shown up...there is still hope, Mama. Create it. Call the other Mamas in. Find your Village (and we hope you'll be joining ours - sign up for the Becoming Mama program!).
Click to learn more about the Becoming Mama program.
