How to Explain Matrescence to your Partner
I’ve changed since becoming a mother and now I know why…
So how do I share this with my partner so they can understand?
With this letter.
LONG BLOG POST ALERT!!!
Something I hear very often from mothers once they learn of the concept of matrescence is…
“How can I explain this concept to my partner? My husband tells me how much I’ve “changed” since I became a mother and now I can tell him why!”
I get it.
For the first time, the mother is finally feeling validated and normal in her experience simply by learning just this one word! And of course, now her desire is to share it with her partner with hopes that her partner will understand her experience too.
So will he/she understand it? Maybe more broadly, but really deeply get it? Ehh, that might take some time; honestly…if ever.
I don’t believe our partners are supposed to fully get this level of transformation. This is a woman’s rite of passage (and why mothers NEED other mothers along their motherhood journey; find the ones that fit you and suddenly you’ll feel so understood and carry so much less. But that’s a blog for another day.)
Regardless of how your partner reacts (try to lower your expectations), it does NOT take away from the impact this one word has on YOU. It gives you a whole new perspective on yourself, which hopefully includes some healthy doses of compassion, forgiveness and hope!
Psst. And this is REALLY important…
No mother should have to defend herself and explain away all the ways and reasons she’s “changed”. You don’t owe your partner or anyone any explanation. Feeling the need to defend yourself and your perceived “limitations” as a wife/partner is part of patriarchal motherhood…it keeps the woman small. It keeps the mother “in her place”…always answering to someone else (often her partner), feeling as if she’s a failure and never doing/being enough. (Again, more to unpack here, but this is already a CRAZY long blog post.)
So here’s the letter. A letter for your partner.
Explaining matrescence to your partner.
Do what you will with it. It is NOT all encompassing…tweak it as you see fit and for your journey and needs. Print it, show it, read it to your partner…do with it what you need. Hopefully it acts as a good starting point for much more frequent, deeper and honest vulnerability between you two.
***
Hey.
Do you have a couple minutes of uninterrupted time? I know that's a big ask as we're always so busy.
I have something I want to share with you that is really important to me and I believe it will help you understand a bit more about me and what my journey has been like since becoming a mother.
You see, I recently found out that there is a word that describes all the ways in which I have KNOWN inside of me that I have changed since becoming a mother, I just never knew how to put it into words.
Now I do; it's matrescence. It's the profound transition from woman to mother that impacts a woman in all areas of her life. Her body, hormones, emotions, thoughts, hopes, dreams, goals...it impacts how she sees herself in the world, what she wants out of life, how she wants to spend her time. It's literally everything.
And now there is a word in psychology that sums it up. I felt so validated when I learned about it. Every woman that becomes a mother experiences this. It is normal; 100%. (Plus, there is a word to describe your transition too! It's "patrescence"; your transition from man to father. Granted our experiences are very different, but you are experiencing something like this too. I would love to talk about your experience whenever you feel ready to share it with me, if you want!)
Either way, I am sure we both can agree that things have definitely changed since we became parents. This explains a good bit of it!
Now, I am sure you are wondering how you can support me in it. I'll get to that shortly but first there is something else equally important I want to share with you.
Being a mother is hard. It's work and I feel a ton of pressure to do it right. I am sure you're like..."You are, babe!" or "Me too" but this isn't just "normal" pressure (because who doesn't want to mess up their kids, right?!)...this is deep, "I've been socialized since forever", pressure.
It's the messages women and mothers hear in the movies: the mothers who make it look so easy. It's the "housewives" who have dinner done by 5pm with a smile on their face that I see on TV. It's the moms I see on social media that are bursting with joy about mothering and who say how much they love it. It's the pressure to lose the "baby weight" and bounce back. It's all of that and so much more.
And you see...there is no "bouncing back" because I am a mother now and this new identity makes me different in some ways than before. I don't necessarily "know" me either...I am going to take some time to figure that out and I'll need to be patient with myself and ask that you can be too. Also, I might not LOVE everything about mothering and that's okay. I need to be able to be honest with you about that and know that you won't judge me or think that makes me a bad mom. Ambivalence as a mother is normal.
And, here's a big one, if I "lose" myself (or have lost myself) in motherhood, I need you to know it's because that is, in so many ways, what has been expected of me by society.
Being a "good mother" is the goal, right...people say you just need to be "good enough", but the pressure I feel from society is to be perfect; not good enough. And this means that I give everything to my children, put their needs (and everyone else’s) before my own, mother 24/7, feel totally and utterly fulfilled by it and don’t take any shortcuts. That’s a ton of pressure with NO down time or off button. Nowhere in this recipe for the “perfect” mother does it include balancing a relationship, having a career, socializing with friends etc. There’s no room for any of that when the expectations are so high. So I give them my everything and end up lost. (This is referred to as "intensive mothering" and it’s absolutely a part of the motherhood culture in which I’m referring to. It's impacting how I see myself as a mother and my role in our family. Let's just say that "raising one child today, demands more time, energy and money than the raising of four children in the postwar period" (Andrea O'Reilly) and that expectation is on me. I carry that. And oftentimes, it feels really invisible (sometimes even to you).)
It's a lot. Being a mother is a lot of work and in so many ways...feels really overwhelming and confusing. I wasn't prepared for this. I know now that my struggles aren’t because there is or was anything wrong with me…I am having a very reasonable adjustment into motherhood given the unrealistic expectations placed on me. This isn’t a “me” problem…it’s a collective mother “we” problem.
So here's how you can support me (because I knew you'd ask!):
1. Be kind to me. Know that this is a process and a transformation and it's DEEP.
2. Adjust your expectations. I can't snap back to how I used to be. Yet I will evolve to a place of more balance and wholeness. I am just in the thick of it right now.
3. Remind me I'm allowed to care for myself. And maybe make it easier for me to do so by taking the kids without me asking.
4. Don't take it personally. I might not want to be touched by you sometimes. I am needed and touched by the baby/kids all day long. I sometimes just need my physical space. It isn't a reflection of you. This will change too; again...give it some time.
5. Get curious, not judgey of me. If you want to know what I am going through or wonder why I am acting a certain way, don't judge me...get curious and ask me about it. I'll share when I feel ready but I'll appreciate your desire to learn more about me.
6. Support me in getting support. I know I deserve the space and time to process this huge transformation. This is bigger than just "me". I need the time, space and money to invest in my journey and this will pay dividends in support of our entire family.
7. Give me space to explore ALL aspects of my life...when I am ready. (Again, I won't bounce back, so please don't have that expectation.) Help me find joy outside of mothering; let's take a cooking class together, let me take a weekend away solo.
8. Hold out hope for us. I am. I know I have changed. I used to be embarrassed about this, thinking something was wrong with me...but now I feel uplifted by this change and motivated to learn more about myself, support myself and be the whole-est version of myself I can be, in all areas of my life. That includes US.
9. Thank me. Thank me for all I do for our family. Thank me for breastfeeding your children, thank me for dinner, for clean clothes, for errands, for school drop-offs and scheduling doctor appointments. Show me you see me by acknowledging the work I do for our family.
10. Share the load with me. Let's schedule a time to review our roles and responsibilities as they pertain to the house and parenting. I've learned that being a good mother is not synonymous with being a housewife. These are two different things and we can share more of both of these roles.
I am sure there is more I will want to say and questions you'll have, but I hope this is a good start.
It's a lot to digest. I get it. So take time to think about all of this and when you are ready...
I could really use a hug. But ask me first, because if I say no, remember #4.
Thanks for taking the time to reconnect with me in this way.
With gratitude,
-Me
So there’s the letter. Long as can be. But how on earth am I supposed to shorten something so MASSIVE (ie. your matrescence) and also limit my motherhood rant?
I hope this helps you on your journey. Please share it with other mamas and anyone else in your circle that could use a little education too.
If this blog hit home for you, then I invite you to take the Becoming Mama program, self-paced. If you want to explore your matrescence and better understand WHY Motherhood feels so hard (hint- it isn’t YOU), then this educational and supportive program is FOR YOU!
And if you are a professional that supports Mothers - Mothers NEED this education. Learn more about The Matricentric Way training here.
