Matrescence: A Developmental Passage
Just like adolescence, matrescence can feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Especially if you are in the “messy middle”.
Lets play a game of free association?
What words come up for you when I say, the word "postpartum"?
Most likely depression and anxiety, right? Maybe the Baby Blues?
By that answer, I want to propose that maybe there is an implicit bias that informs how we treat mothers clinically and support them socially. Maybe we operate in a love-it or hate-it, black or white understanding of what it means to be a mother.
When instead, I would suggest that ambivalence is the cornerstone to one's matrescence and that in being a mother, it is both full of intense ups and downs, grief and joy and growth and challenge. It's the BOTH/AND I always talk about.
Educating on this concept of matrescence widens our conversation when it comes to supporting mothers, clinically and otherwise. They are no longer forced into boxes defined by a clinical diagnosis or a perfect-mother image on TikTok; they are the majority of mothers in the middle.
The messy middle, where ambivalence lies.
They are the ones who don't meet the criteria for a PMAD and aren't the ones wearing matching outfits with their "littles" on IG. They aren’t the ones on either end of the spectrum.
They too, the mothers in the middle, need support.
They feel the intensity of mothering and the pressures of motherhood too. They feel the rage, the joy, the chaos. They run late, they juggle, they play. They feel lost at times, question their purpose and their dreams, struggle to balance their values. They feel the constant push-pull, the tug of war in their emotions, needs and wants too. They feel the relentless pressures to be perfect, do it all, sacrifice and keep going. They feel the weight of the world (their world) on their shoulders too. They are the ones that are crying at times too when it all feels too big and too heavy.
They are the majority of moms in the messy middle of their matrescence.
They often are silent in their experience because the messy middle isn’t the loudest narrative in our society (yet!).
And because it is a spectrum, and unique to every mother, with each child, it is possible to move along, back and forth within this spectrum given circumstance, support and other factors as well (ie. previous mental health diagnosis, finances, relationship to partner, etc.).
Matrescence is the full spectrum; the woman's whole experience, whereas a clinical diagnosis or thriving in motherhood is a part of her experience.
For example, matrescence is part of a PMAD diagnosis BUT PMADs do not have to be part of a woman's matrescence. For a woman to be on the far left of this spectrum (see diagram above), she needs to be clinically assessed by a mental health professional or a medical doctor. THIS BLOG IS NOT CLINICAL ADVICE OR TREATMENT AND IS ONLY FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY.
Side note: Not to mention, this spectrum far outlasts the first year postpartum. A mother can receive a clinical diagnosis at any time in her mothering experience. Infact, there is data that suggests that mothers with school-aged children report extreme depression and loneliness (middle school isn't only hard on kids...it's hard on mothers too).
So how do we support mothers in the messy middle?
To begin with, and this is just the tip of the iceberg...
By...
1) educating them on this normal developmental stage of their experience as a woman that becomes a mother.
2) working with them to unpack the socialization of women and mothers that is deeply embedded into us as little girls.
3) having conversations with them to LISTEN not to FIX. There is nothing “wrong with them” (or any mom regardless of where she is on this spectrum).
4) not only assessing for weakness, pathology and what's wrong, but also for their strength, resilience and creativity.
5) by having a wide network of referrals and resources that are as diverse as our clients so that each client has the support that best matches their lived experience and we can all stay in our own lane of expertise while truly being the "village" we were promised.
(**If this speaks to you as a professional that supports mothers, I invite you to learn more about my professional training here.)
What does this mean for you if you are in the "messy middle" of your matrescence?
It means you are NORMAL.
Becoming a mother is HARD and being a mother is challenging. It is not just that first year that is deserving of meal trains and extra mental health support...it is all of it; your whole life long. Afterall, once postpartum, always postpartum.
It means you deserve to talk things out when you are struggling too; it doesn't have to be "that bad" nor do you have to wait for it to feel worse...you simply deserve the support.
It means that you're right...being a mother does feel crazy-making at times! How can you love it so much and also feel so tapped out too? How can you miss your old life but also never imagine life without your children?
It means you aren't alone. The silent majority is in the messy middle and thankfully more and more mothers are talking about it.
And it means that no matter where you are...there is always room for movement, change and difference. You are never stuck. With the right support (be it a therapist or friends), you can move in the direction you want to go or stabilize yourself where you are at. (I acknowledge privilege in this statement, as some women and mothers are truly stuck or do not have choice in this.)
So here is to the messy middle...the moms deep in the thick of it. You are worthy of support too, no matter how many years you are postpartum. Your matrescence never ends and therefore you are always evolving.
