The Invisible Load of Mothering
That’s ONE thing for sure. But then there is the VISIBLE LOAD of mothering that still goes unseen…
Here’s what to do about it.
Here’s the HOPE.
We hear more and more about the "invisible load of mothering". I am sure you can relate to it yourself.
What is the invisible load of mothering?
It's the behind the scenes of mothering; it's the physical, mental, emotional and logistical tasks, memory space and running to-do lists that go unseen and uncompensated that happen 24/7 in the minds and behaviors of mothers.
It's like mothers have 100 open tabs in their brain computer at any given time. This is how they manage it all...this is how they keep it all going.
In many heterosexual partnerships, this load often falls on the woman, the mother. It's an assumption of her role in the family. She becomes the default parent.
What's the default parent?
The default parent is the parent who bears the most responsibility for the day to day tasks of parenting and household related projects/chores etc. Oftentimes this role is assumed or expected, again typically of the mother in most relationships, with or without her input. And being the default parent can take its toll; it can end up feeling burdensome, heavy and lead to resentment because so much of it is unseen, unappreciated and greatly undervalued (by her family and larger society) - que the invisible load.
According to Motherly's 2023 State of Mothers Annual Report...
"This year, 58% of moms report they are primarily responsible for the duties of running a household and caring for children, up 2% over 2022." - That's the default parent they're referencing.
There are things you can do to begin to bring more shared responsibility into your relationship...but that's another blog post (so make sure to sign up for my newsletter to be the first to read that one!)...
For now, let's talk about when the VISIBLE load of mothering goes unseen because that happens too...
When we see a mother out in public...
juggling a meltdown and trying to wrangle another child
struggling to get through a door with a stroller
searching for a diaper only to realize they used their last one already
turning red in embarrassment that her child is tantruming in Target
Yet we turn the other way without a gesture of solidarity or community or evenmore, an offer of help...
She goes unseen yet again.
Not suggesting that we all gather around and crowd a mother managing it "all on her own", but when we do nothing, we perpetuate the narrative that she should keep being a "SUPERMOM" and keep doing it...all...on her own.
We suggest that the struggle is "standard" and we all have to do it, so we might as well just keep doing it...alone.
We continue the story that mothering is undervalued and unseen.
(In an effort to proactively defend this idea to the nay-sayers...Sure, some mothers won't want the help; that's their choice and I respect that. But even a simple gesture can go a long way (or worst case, we miss the mark, misread the situation and whoops...we had good intentions.) Also not suggesting we, as mothers, jump in and rescue one another and take on the weight of the world in other ways...but I do think that mothers CAN be part of the solution and no longer fall victim to the greater narrative that keeps us feeling small, defeated, alone and unseen.)
So here is ONE way to make the VISIBLE work of mothering...SEEN.
Grab a ribbon and tie it to your diaper bag, purse or backpack and join the "A Ribbon Moment" movement in which when you wear it or see it on another mom, it says I am "A Mama to Count On".
Consider this RIBBON an offering of support and friendship, mama.
Consider me someone you can count on.
I'm a Mama myself and I know how hectic it can get at times. Between rushing, melt downs and ongoing to-do lists, mothering can be exhausting at times.
So just know that this ribbon means that...
Whatever you need, whenever you need it...
I am here for you: no shame or judgement here.
Be it a diaper, a hand or a hug...
Sunscreen, a 5 minute breather or to chat about anything other than babytalk...
I am in your corner. You can count on me.
I am your Mama to Count On.
When you see this ribbon, I am an open door. Come say hello and know I won't walk away or think you're strange...I'll know you saw the ribbon, you saw me and you saw yourself IN me.
And it goes both ways, so when you see me struggling, I welcome some words, a hand or a hug.
So let's do this. Let's be the change we want for ourselves and our children. Let's normalize asking for and receiving help. At our core, we are social creatures and are deeply interdependent on one another for our well-being. Let's get back to that.
Can't wait to hear your stories of the mamas you meet along the way in joining the "A Ribbon Moment" Movement. Make sure you #aribbonmoment and #amamatocounton and tag @Mamasmodernvillage in your shares.
This is my ask this Mother's Day; that we all see one another in the VISIBLE load of mothering and support one another in renegotiating the invisible.
