Feeling “lost” in motherhood? This could be why…

It’s a double edged sword.

On one hand, it’s part of your “becoming” if you get lost intentionally on this journey…

But on the other hand, it’s what’s expected of us as women when we become mothers.

Here’s the difference…

Feeling lost in motherhood

I have heard from many mothers that they feel they "lost" themselves in motherhood at one point or another. 

Before I explain the BIGGEST reason WHY so many mothers feel lost in motherhood, I think it is important to note that…

I believe “getting lost” is an essential aspect to one’s “becoming”, her matrescence.

There is something very different between feeling lost, like it is happening to you, powerless and helpless, (see below), and…

“Getting” lost…surrendering, accepting the changes happening inside, getting curious about them, intentionally choosing to go into the depths of your transformation and then feeling uplifted, confident and rooted in one’s self.

The latter “lost” is part of your transformation cycle (your matrescence) and you deserve to be supported, nurtured and deeply held in this experience. (Cue the Becoming Mama program!)

Yet, now, let’s talk about “feeling lost” the way so many mothers show up to me looking for support…

Sometimes it shows up as burn out, other times feeling such dissatisfaction in their marriage, as a mother and nearly every other identity they have.

Oftentimes, these women are the same women that had lucrative careers, were highly driven and ambitious in their "pre-motherhood" life. There wasn't a challenge that was presented to them, that they didn't absolutely crush. They could, and did, do whatever they wanted, however they wanted...they felt unstoppable (and they had to, to compete in the "good old boys" world). They had bustling social circles, brunching on the weekends followed by happy hour on the rooftops. They were involved in their community through volunteering and felt great connection to their partner in the day-to-day.  They made time for self-care and their physical appearance because they had the time and that's what a single woman does...

Yet, upon becoming a mother, something shifted inside them.  (And I don’t mean the natural transition into that of mother…)

Maybe they waited until they were in their mid thirties to start a family, thinking their career couldn't "wait", but having children could. Maybe they knew that if they paused their career "too soon" they'd never be able to pick it up and get to where they wanted to be, so they sacrificed their longing to be a mother for the pressures of competing in a "man's" world. 

This was a choice these women thought about, daily for some of them. Weighing the pros and cons, brushing up against their "clock", but choosing to play the game so they could hope to "have it all". (Does a man stay up at night thinking these things? Just wondering...)

Often, these women deeply believed that once they finally decided to have children, that they'd be able to somewhat seamlessly transition into the role of mother, while still juggling their career, social circle and relationship. 

But whoa...were they wrong. 

Because motherhood had a very different expectation of them. 

One that directly contradicts the empowered and motivated, career oriented, "perfect" woman that excelled pre-motherhood (also because that is what she thought was expected of her, how she proved her worth and value and competed to keep up with her male-counterparts...#feminism).

This expectation upon entering motherhood was that...
1. Her child(ren) could only be properly cared for by her (the biological mother).
2. This mothering must be provided 24/7.
3. The mother must always put children's needs above her own.
4. She must turn to the experts for instruction.
5. She must be fully satisfied, fulfilled, completed and composed in motherhood.
6. She must lavish excessive amounts of time, energy and money in the rearing of her children. 

Intensive Mothering

This is “intensive mothering” as Sharon Hays, maternal scholar, calls these expectations in motherhood.

This is what constitutes a "good" mother in motherhood.  And if you are anything other than these things...you are a "bad" mother. 

Now, whether or not you see yourself fully in this description is for only you to know...but the pressure for a mother to prove her "enoughness" is palpable in our current culture. 

Stay with me...

• It's the pressure to birth "right". Choose the correct way to birth (natural vs. medicated etc.) or be shamed for doing it wrong or less "womanly".

• It's the pressure to breastfeed, let alone till age 2. So many mothers aren't satisfied breastfeeding, or push through the pain (be it physical or emotional) or pure exhaustion because that is what a GOOD mother does. 

• It's the pressure to respond respectfully to your child's tantrums and hold space for their meltdowns (when you are melting down inside yourself)...

There are many more where this goes and I am sure you can add your own to the list. 

But here's the thing...nowhere in this list of what makes a "good" mother, is there room for her, the woman, to be anything other than...JUST a mother. Nowhere in this list does it talk about HER needs, her hopes, dreams and aspirations. Nowhere does it mention her relationship to her partner, her career, her friends. She is a MOTHER and only a MOTHER. 

As Andrea O'Reilly says "intensive mothering requires the denial of the mother's own selfhood...". 

No wonder she feels lost. No wonder she feels so consumed. No wonder she feels like a failure. No wonder she is plagued with mom-guilt for whatever she chooses she is letting down some expectation of her. 

Because this is the same woman as above, who now has given her all to mothering (because that is what is expected of her to be a "good" mother). 

As if this isn't enough of a challenge for her to overcome, she still is motivated in her career. She wants to have friends and care for herself...she knows what she "once was" and craves for that version of herself again.  She wants to be that “other woman” she was pre-motherhood that thought she could really have it all and she had worked SO darn hard to be.

So...

Either she tries to crush her career again, yet always longs to be home with her children; she pushes so hard to "have it all".  Yet never feels anything more than half-good at anything or like a failure at everything...

Or she doesn't push (in that way because, goodness, she is still pushing) and denies herself anything other than that of mother and mothering. 

(Or maybe she is content in this role and work of mothering and it is everything she has dreamed it would be and these expectations don't feel oppressive to her; but data suggests that isn't the majority of mothers. If this is you, celebrate it. This is so beautiful and you deserve every bit of happiness, joy and satisfaction that comes with it. )

Of course there are mothers outside of these scenarios and mothers who won't identify with any of this, but if this is you I am describing then know this...

It isn't your fault.

Your experience of motherhood, in so many ways, sets you up to fail right out the gate. 

You can't win this one; no matter how hard you try. If you quit your career, you'll still have these feelings; you'll still feel guilty (because you gave up your career after you put so much into it) and if you go to work, the guilt will plague you there too...because that isn't what a "good" mother would choose.

This is the curse of feminism in so many ways.

This is why we can't support a mother in her matrescence WITHOUT talking about motherhood...

BECAUSE for so many women, there is only MOTHER once they become one...and she is so overwhelmed, so burned out, so paralyzed with guilt and shame that she doesn't even know where to begin (let alone how). And matrescence is ALL of you; it is the YOU that exists as a woman and the woman that exists as a mother. It is you as a WHOLE. 

Yet, since motherhood is socially and economically constructed, there is HOPE. 

We can undo this together. 

It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. 

“How?” you ask.

By simply beginning to question…

• WHY we feel guilty.

• Where it comes from.

• Whose expectations we’re trying to meet.

• Who/what is benefitting from us continuing to PUSH so hard even when we keep feeling like failures. (HINT, it isn’t our children even though we’ve been made to think it is…)

This is how we begin to UN-DO the mind-mess that is motherhood. We wake up to it, shake ourselves loose from it and begin to pick it apart…one by one, side by side…with eachother.

Psst. The next round of Becoming Mama begins September 4th and I would LOVE to have you join. AND…if you’re a professional that supports mothers, my professional training (matrescence and motherhood) drops this Summer. Make sure to add your email into the mix so you’ll be the first to save a spot!