Resentment in Motherhood
It might not be an emotion we would choose to feel, but it is a tool for change.
Here’s how…
Feeling Stuck? Follow the resentment, Mama…
I get it; resentment is NOT a fun feeling...but it is one of the most helpful and powerful tools to help you when you are feeling stuck or helpless in your mothering experience.
Can’t find a way to make time for yourself? Follow the resentment…
Annoyed that your partner can just come home, plop down on the couch and scroll TikTok while you figure out dinner and the kids? Follow the resentment…
Feel disappointed that your friends haven’t invited you out in a while? Follow the resentment…
While I used to think resentment was similar to anger, Brene Brown (biggest fan over here) taught me otherwise.
What is resentment?
It's jealousy. Mad jealousy. Envy.
“Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, ‘better than,’ and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.” Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart
And this, my friend, can be such a tool, if harnessed correctly, in helping you begin to work towards change.
So much of our undoing and becoming is a process...a LONG one at that. We can get annoyed at the length and journey of our process, wishing it was easier or yearning to just be "happier" or "confident" already.
But healing doesn't work like that. (I use "healing" as a general term...maybe you don't exactly have to "heal" from anything, but the transformation of becoming a mother can be super challenging at times and create the need for processing and reflecting, for sure.)
It's messy and complicated and when we don't see the results right away, can make us even more frustrated and want to give up.
All normal.
If you are ready to spark some change in your life, then I invite you to follow the resentment.
Go where the resentment takes you...let it lead you towards change.
You see, those big emotions that we've been taught aren't "good" emotions to feel, like anger and resentment...they are some of the most instrumental ones that can point us towards CHANGE if we let them.
How to process resentment
Resentment is trying to tell you something. What is beneath the surface?
Was there a boundary that was crossed for you?
Is there a need you have that you did not listen to or state?
Are you desiring something that feels out of your hands or impossible? (ie. time to yourself?)
What keeps you from asking for what you need?
Has someone let you down? Did you communicate your expectation?
Are you struggling to accept what you can't control? (THIS IS A BIG ONE!!!)
Brene Brown wrote in her book…
“I’m not mad because you’re resting. I’m mad because I’m so bone tired and I want to rest. But, unlike you, I’m going to pretend that I don’t need to."
Does this resonate with you in your motherhood journey?
If so, let this be a catalyst for going there.
Why must you pretend that you don't need rest? Why must you pretend your needs don't matter? Why must you pretend...? What are you ignoring inside? What is SCREAMING to be seen, heard and tended to?
The resentment wants to be felt...and move through you, just like all of your emotions. It's about getting curious about the resentment, following it to the unmet need, missed expectation, loss of control or self abandoning behaviors...and choosing to do something different.
If you're feeling STUCK in your journey...lost, frustrated, lonely, burned out...
Turn towards the resentment and see what it tells you.
As Brene Brown says..."choose discomfort over resentment"...set the boundary, state your need, say "no" when you mean it, stop people pleasing...
This isn't easy...but it's worth it.
(Psst. The help of a therapist might be useful and supportive in this process; no shame in reaching out!)
