Do you really want to know how Mama is doing? Try these start-ups instead.
Hint. No more “How are you?”.
We all do it.
We all ask the generalized nicety with good intentions, "How are you?" to start up a conversation. And it often begs a response that feels, well, rather superficial, shallow and allows for the deeper connection...to be avoided. And for a new Mama (or any Mama, really) who already feels overwhelmed with her own thoughts and feelings, let alone able to put them into words that sound "pretty" to the outsider, avoiding the deeper conversation might be just the "out" she was looking for. Yet, just the opposite of what could help her feel less alone, lost and validated in her journey of becoming a mother.
Shame thrives in "hiding".
For a mama who thinks she is "failing" at managing it all or adjusting to her role...not talking about it is what will keep her feeling just that...alone.
So if you're striving for the real deal and want to connect more quickly with her, be a light in her darkness as she journeys alone...try asking her a more probing and thought provoking question.
What questions to ask a new mother.
Here are some examples that you can tweak to make them more your own.
"I know that becoming a mother can be really tough, filled with ups and downs. How are you holding up?" This statement/question acknowledges the struggle of motherhood without her having to say it first. You open the conversation by validating so many women's experiences of becoming a mother, most likely hitting home for her too. And by asking "how are you holding up", you create the space for her to share the tougher moments first.
"I am here for you. How are you doing today?" In this statement/question, you have taken a rather vague and enormous question "How are you doing?" and put a parameter around it. It now feels more immediate and manageable. And by opening the convo up by saying "I am here for you", you are illustrating your support for her.
"You have been on my mind lately. How are things are going for you?" This shows the mama that you have been thinking of her, she often comes to your mind and you desire to check in on her. It shows that you care, will follow up and not forget about her (which is something a new mama might feel she has lost in her transition...her "old" friends).
"I am sure you have been so busy with having a new baby. What has been on your mind these days?" You are opening up the conversation with a simple acknowledgement that her life is changed, busy and chaotic. You already have validated her new life and her adjustment, hopefully creating a space for her to further describe a possible worry, concern or fear of her own.
"I know the last time we talked you said {fill in the blank}. How has that been going for you?" This one shows you pay attention, that you remember your conversations with her and ultimately, that she is important to you and matters. It also shows that you won't forget and can be someone she can count on to follow up with her.
You can also try other convo starters that might feel more direct, such as, "How are you surviving right now?", "Are you holding up ok?", "How have you been caring for yourself?", "Have you been {sleeping, eating, crying a lot, etc.}?".
How to show up for a new mother.
Just make sure that when you ask her, you...
Have the time to really listen. Carve out enough time that you won't feel rushed to end the conversation or have something else you need to turn your attention to. Be present for her. Give her your ear, your heart and your eyes.
Listen without judgement. Parenting is filled with judgement making it hard to ever believe in yourself, your intuition or your choices. As best you can, remember that this is her journey, not yours, and you have been graciously invited into her inner world of becoming a mother.
Listen without trying to "fix" her. This one is tough. When we hear suffering, as humans, we typically want to jump in with advice, input and "fix" the situation. Don't offer insight/advice unless she asks you for it. Let her journey, be hers. Let her wins, be hers. Let her fall. Just be there to support her as she rises again.
And if you hear resistance in her, it is okay to sit with her in silence. Even better, clean her kitchen or make her soup. Just be with her, in her presence (FaceTime or in person), so she knows she is not alone.
