Setting Boundaries when you Become Mama
So you’ve announced you’re pregnant. And now everyone is planning to come visit. It’s a good time to practice saying “No”.
Ugh, I get it. Saying “No” or “Not today” can feel, well, super uncomfortable, especially as women who have been “trained” for so long to say “yes”. And to say it to our parents or close family/friends…can feel super daunting. However, in order to break that pattern and to take care of yourself and honor your choices, Mama…you’ve got to practice and begin getting used to the word “no”.
So many new mamas have this idea of how they want those initial days/weeks postpartum to look…calm, peaceful, easy (ha!) and supported. We have these great daydreams of our mamas rubbing our feet and making us homemade soups. We imagine our friends stopping by with groceries and watching our newborn while we sneak off to enjoy a nice hot shower.
Family support during postpartum.
Yet, how often does your family actually support you in the way YOU need and want? (If they do…celebrate that! And if not, then keep reading.)
Setting boundaries with our families can be such a tricky and confusing road to navigate especially once you are already with baby in arms. (Best to be as proactive as possible, if possible.) We’re all too often stuck in a pattern/dynamic with our family that we’ve agreed to over the years (even without knowing), that once we become Mamas, might not fit us appropriately anymore. We’ve outgrown it and it's time for a change.
Hence the word “No” and boundaries.
Mama, you deserve to mother your way.
You deserve to have your space and bring people into your space when and how you feel comfortable. Those first raw weeks postpartum are crucial to your healing mind, body and soul. To have anyone around you during that time that does anything other than bring you up, support you in ways YOU deem fit…is potentially preventing you from caring for yourself.
Well-intentioned family members have their roles. And by no means am I suggesting you keep them from this precious time completely. I am simply suggesting that maybe there is a middle ground in which you can meet your needs while allowing for others to find their moments of connecting too.
Hear this…
Your mom does not need to come and stay with you for two weeks once the baby is here.
Your sister does not need to be in the delivery room with you.
Your <insert your person of choice> does not need to use your birth as an excuse for a vacation.
You are not solely responsible for their relationship with your child.
You do not need to entertain them when they visit.
You do not need to clean your home prior to their visit. (In fact, they should do that when they get there.)
You do not need to pick them up at the airport or drop them off.
The list goes on…bottom line…there is not “have to” or “should” right now for you, in these early weeks.
Scripts for setting boundaries in postpartum
If this speaks to you, then here are a couple scripts you can try on for yourself…tweak them as needed to fit you and your family.
“I see how excited you are to meet <insert name>. I look forward to that opportunity for you both. However, I am going to take the first three weeks to be at home by myself with my partner. We are excited to bond together as a family. I will happily let you know when we are feeling ready for visitors.”
“I appreciate that you want to stop by and visit. I am not ready for visitors right now. However, if you want to help, we could use a nice warm meal dropped off at our front door.”
“I know this is such an exciting time for everyone. I am dedicated to finding my rhythm in this process and therefore ask that you stay for only 30 minutes today. We can both plan and look forward to the next visit together.”
“I am sure you can remember how exhausted you were when you first were recovering from birth. Me too. I want to have you over, but I am not up to it yet. I will let you know when I am ready. Thanks for understanding.”
“Groceries, warm meals. That is what would help us right now. Thank you so much for your offer to support us.”
Just remember Mama. You are a newborn too. You need someone to protect you and shelter you from having to “be on” and meet anyone else's needs besides your own and your baby’s. This time is for you. You can honor your newness as a Mama by setting boundaries for yourself.
Give it a practice. It is going to feel uncomfortable at first; to be expected. You can always change and adjust it. Yet, your well-being is well worth this try.
