How to explain Patriarchal Motherhood to your Partner
Read this to them, give it to them…get the conversation started…
I get asked this ALOT (by both mothers and other professionals!).
"How do I tell my partner about patriarchal Motherhood?"
Often, this comes from a Mother whose world has opened up, blinders off and her consciousness is rising...
She's found the education on these many theories and concepts to be so validating and explain SO much of her experience...
She feels liberated, seen and empowered.
"I can choose what a "good mother" is?!" she exclaims as she continues to unravel her many years of socialization as the "good mother".
But then...she stops herself. For change isn't easy (it never is!) without the unconditional support from those around her, especially her partner.
"How do I tell my partner about patriarchal Motherhood?!"
There are so many ways to begin this conversation and of course, it depends on many specific aspects of each person's unique relationship and circumstances...but here is a general outline, as a letter, as sometimes reading it might be easier. Also - this letter plays into the "winning a partner over" vibe...ultimately, a woman would not have to defend her LOVE for her children and could make these statements without feeling shame for any of them. That is the ultimate goal - baby steps.
Side note - privilege and power play a BIG role in this conversation. And for some mothers, safety might be a risk in having this discussion. Additionally, some partners are simply not open to hearing it. The outcome of this conversation (or lack of safety to have it in the first place) deserves to be supported and processed for this is a crucial step in resisting Patriarchal Motherhood.
Here is the letter:
Dear _____ (partner's name),
I want to thank you for the time you are taking to better get to know me, especially this part of me that is a Mother. This is a uper vulnerable letter - I feel nervous sharing it with you. But this it too important not to share.
I have been curious about my experience of Motherhood recently as it seems so much harder than I anticipated and truly, not quite as I imagined it would be. In sharing all of this with you, I need you to know that none of this takes away from my LOVE for our children or our family - in fact, what I have come to understand is that I can LOVE being a mother and not love mothering all the time or enjoy Motherhood.
Let me clarify these terms for starters as it's important to see their distinctions.
I am a Mother - this is a noun. This is my role, my one identity (of many) - this is who I am in relation to my children.
I do the work of mothering - this is a verb. This is the actual care work for our children. In fact, you do mothering too, when you care for our children also!
Motherhood is the cultural context of which I am a mother within - it is also a noun in this way. And Motherhood, with a capital M, refers to the many systems, ideologies, assumptions, expectations and norms, the unwritten rules per say, of what it means to be a Mother, how I should mother and who I should be as a mother. It is greatly influential of my experience and impacts me WAY more than I ever realized.
Patriarchal Motherhood refers to these expectations and assumptions and this is what tells me HOW to be a "good mother". This is what tells me WHO I should be if I want to be a "good mother". And it's a LOT of pressure. A ton, really. It's so much for me to live up to every single day, but I try really really hard.
I want to be a "good mother" so badly. (I am sure you will tell me, "You ARE a good mother!" and I appreciate that - but your understanding of what a "good mother" is, is probably not nearly as demanding as what I have believed to be a "good mother" for myself.) Stay with me...
I have believed (and still do TBH) that...
A good mother...
should LOVE every minute of mothering and Motherhood (hence why I have SOOOO much guilt if I ever feel stuck, annoyed, touched out, needing me-time etc.)...
should spend 24/7 with her children - this one gets me! And it explains why me taking any time away from our children leaves me feeling so icky and again, brings up mom shame. Even when you tell me it's okay for me to go out...I still feel like I "shouldn't" because a "good mom" wouldn't. This one also implies that our children should be my priority - so another reason why maybe we don't feel as connected as we used to. A) I am touched out and B) Our children "should" be my focus...not you.
should be totally fulfilled by her role as Mother. I do love our children, but sometimes being a Mother is exhausting, hard and lonely. I am not completely fulfilled by this role and that feels so hard to admit. I might even be ready (at my pace) to begin thinking about work, childcare etc. as I am feeling ready to begin expanding WHO I AM again.
should be the ONLY one to care for her children for the mother is the BEST one to care for them. This one makes it hard for me to let go - to let others watch our children, to think of daycare, to even let you do it your way sometimes. (Please be easy with me on this one...there is shame tied up to this for me and it will take time for me to learn a different way.)
should know how to do it all and be able to do it all too. This shouldn't be hard for me if I am a "good mother". I should know how to mother beautifully, it should come easy to me and I shouldn't need help. Truth - I have no idea what I am doing most the time and the pressure to get it "right" is debilitating. I try so hard and still feel like I am doing it all wrong.
As you can imagine, these "shoulds" often lead to overwhelm, anxiety, feeling like a failure, shame, guilt, mom rage and burnout. They often rob me of joy, being present and feeling connected to our children, you and much else. I feel like I have lost myself in becoming a Mother and feel so sad by this. I never could have imagined that this would be my overall experience of being a Mother. Again, none of this takes away from my love for our children...it just adds to the complexity of it all. And saying all of this outloud makes me feel very vulnerable and like I am a “bad mom” although I am learning…I am not.
There is more here - truly this is just the beginning of my own journey is seeing all of this. And to be honest, it's been really empowering and also brings up a lot of harder feelings too. To un-do these "shoulds" will take me time and dedication...and YOUR HELP.
I NEED YOUR SUPPORT in this. I need you to see me, to have patience with me, to hug me, to tell me I am doing a good job and to give me the time to process through all of this.
I won't be able to do this work without your support - your help with the kids, your love, your kind words of reassurance and the space to reflect.
I know you have your own experience of parenthood - I know you carry your own "shoulds" and pressures and I am here to listen to your experience too.
My hope would be that we both can grow through this knowledge and together find more balance in our parenting, the housework and our free "me-time".
I do believe that through these conversations, and as we take action to change our current dynamics over time (maybe even with the help of a therapist), that we will find more connection in our relationship, more hope and more happiness - for I can't keep doing what I have been doing. It isn't okay anymore and now that I see it for what it is, patriarchal Motherhood, I can't unsee it.
Also, I am not mad at you in any of this more broadly (granted we both play our parts - we both have to take accountability for our roles) - I am mad at Motherhood and sad for what my experience has been so far. I want to change it and I will. I just need your support to do so, for there is only so much I will be able to do on my own.
You might need to read this a couple times - I get that. It's taken a lot for it to sink in for me and it still is...
I am grateful for your openness, curiosity and desire to support me, us and ultimately our family through these conversations.
Here to chat further whenever you are ready or maybe I will follow up ________ (insert day).
With love,
__________ (your name)
Again, so much nuance to this letter and conversation AND…
it will need to be tweaked to your comfortability level, your experience of Motherhood and your relationship. You might be, understandably so, MAD at your partner for fair/just reasons (the traditional gender roles are so oppressive!)...so maybe adapt or take out paragraphs that don't fit your experience.
We can only do so much by ourselves as Mothers - we really do need the support of our partners, our families, our extended community and cultural/systemic support as a whole. We also NEED one another as Mothers in this process.
